Ivor Bigun – I'm A Wanker lyrics

My mother said
That I never should
Never play with the naughty rude girls in the wood
Their giggling talk I could never understood
And that's why I fell in love with my right hand

[Chorus:]
And that's why
I'm a wanker
I'm a wanker
And does it good like it bloody well should
I'm a wanker
I'm a wanker
And I'm always pulling my pudd

I was 25 years old
Before I was kissed
And then I found the guy prefered
A swift one off the wrist
Its cheap and convenient
And you can't catch vd
Its avalible at anytime and its absolutly free

[Chorus:]
And that's why
I'm a wanker
I'm a wanker
And it does me good like it bloody well should
I'm wanker
I'm a wanker
And I'm always pulling my pudd

Oh Mrs Palm
And your 5 lovely daughters
Thank you for having me
And being oh so kind
I've got pains in my arms
And my donkeys growing shorter
My knees have turnt to water
And I think I'm going blind

I've wanked over Italy
I've wanked over Spain
I've wanked in an omibus
I've even had a wank in a train

I've used a badger
And a lemon
And a cat
A inflatable Linda Lovelace
And a David Crocket hat

[Chorus:]
And that's why
I'm a wanker
I'm a wanker
And it does me good like it bloody well should
I'm a wanker
I'm a wanker
And I'm always pulling my pudd

Oh Mrs Palm
And your 5 lovely daughters
Thank you for having me
And being oh so kind
I've pains in my arms
And my donkeys growing shorter
My knees have turnt to water
And I think I'm going blind